mon coeur.

2 Corinthians 12:19

“But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.”

I’ve been so amazed recently at the beauty God is showing me through so many people here in Spain. Everyone has such a unique story, a history of blessings, joys, struggles, tears: powerful testimonies of abortion, failed pregnancy, abuse, depression, adoption, beautiful love stories, second chances. We all come from different places and have different experiences, and yet all our lives point to the same God: one who is faithful, full of love and promises, gracious and merciful.

When I take the time to really sit down and listen to someone’s story with an open, non-judgmental heart, I can only praise God for how He moves, how He is alive, how He is so evidently working in not only my heart, but also in the hearts of those around me. I wonder how much more love, understanding and compassion there would be in the world if we invested our time and energy in people- if we challenged ourselves to really get to know someone and to really listen to their story instead of pointing fingers and judging them without a second glance.

Instead of judging, will you listen?

It’s times like these when I realize how specifically God loves me - how He sees everything broken in me, but showers His love and grace on me anyway.

I forget so often. I doubt every other hour. But I am truly so humbled by God’s love, and I am so amazed by who He is. All I want is to soak up His presence and never leave.

This is what true, permanent love must feel like.

if i lose my life,

i gain everything
less of me, and more of Jesus

self-addiction

You probably wouldn’t think I’m an addict of any sort. I didn’t. But now I am starting to see the deep roots of bitterness - this tangled web of envy, resentment, ugliness and impatience that grow inside this shell of a heart. My complaints, my critical thoughts, my insecurities are all a symptom of a greater heart disease.

There are billions of people in this world. I am surrounded by family and friends that I’m so lucky to have. There are the poor, the homeless, the sick, the depressed, the empty. And almost every minute of every hour of every day, I can only find the time and energy to think of one: me.

I’m addicted to myself. And it’s actually killing me.

Jesus, I need so much more of You and I am a broken sinner in desperate need of Your love and grace. I ask you You into my heart at this time, to rid me of all bitterness, of envy, of resentment, of hatred. Fill me up instead with love, kindness, compassion, patience and a spirit of gentleness - make me new. I don’t want to be the kind of person who is self-addicted, who is so preoccupied with satisfying the person in the mirror that she can’t see anyone else. Help me to die to myself every day, that it would be You, not me, that has the rightful place in the center of my heart. Amen.

this morning,

I did the same thing I do every Sunday morning. Got up, got ready, put in my headphones, blasted my Shane&Shane, and walked the 15 minutes to church.

Except this morning it was different.

On my way, as I was stopped at an intersection, a man tapped me on the shoulder. Knowing how pickpocketers work in Barcelona, I immediately grabbed my bag tighter and turned around. He was asking me something, but I couldn’t hear him through my music. Paranoid, I wanted to pretend like I couldn’t hear him and keep walking.

But something made me take out my earphone and ask him what he needed.

“Donde esta ICB? Where is ICB?” he asked.

ICB is my church. The only way I discovered it was through Google. And out of all the people he could have tapped on the shoulder, somehow, he tapped mine, someone who would know. I don’t think this was an accident.

I told him I was on my way there, so we could walk together. In this short conversation, I learned that he came alone from Pakistan nine months ago. He is trying to find a job and situate himself so that eventually, he can bring his family to Spain too. As I asked him how he heard of ICB, he said, “Well, I am a Christian.”

I found that interesting, since Pakistan is dominated by Islam. And so it was with him.

“In Pakistan, only 1% of people are Christians. I want to leave because they try to kill you because they know you are Christian.”

I asked him if that meant his spirituality is kept a secret.

“No. No it is no secret. I am a Christian. Everybody knows I am a Christian. They try to kill me. But it’s okay. I have Jesus. He is my all. And he will keep me safe.”

Whoa.

This man, one of the feeble 1%, surrounded by a population that denies Christ, knows He could die and yet proclaims Him anyway.

I, on the other hand, protected by a blue passport, a bubble of luxury and Christian company, only speak when spoken to, only bring religion up when asked, careful not to step on anyone’s toes, dare I seem too vocal, too radical, too preachy.

When God said, “Go and make disciples of all nations,” I don’t think He meant tomorrow, a few years from now, when I feel more secure, maybe later down the line when I’m more broken out of my shell. I think He meant today, now, in the moment. To be bold and to move in action, in urgency. To spread His love to the people He specifically places around us. To be an example wherever we go.

Lesson #52313405 of Barcelona. Well played, God.

i want a heart of servitude

Jesus, You are
Jesus, You were
Jesus, You will always be
a perfect servant to us
a perfect servant to death
even death on a cross

Give us the picture of Your face
show us the measure of Your grace
reveal the love of the Father
put within us tenderness
release from us all selfishness
we’ll consider them better
we are Yours
give us hearts of servants

You are good.

airborne

“There is within the human heart a tough fibrous root of fallen life whose nature is to possess, always to possess. It covets “things” with a deep and fierce passion. The pronouns “my” and “mine” look innocent enough in print, but their constant and universal use is significant. They express the real nature of the old Adamic man better than a thousand volumes of theology could do. They are verbal symptoms of our deep disease. The roots of our hearts have grown down into things, and we dare not pull up one rootlet lest we die. Things have become necessary to us, a development never originally intended. God’s gifts now take the place of God, and the whole course of nature is upset by the monstrous substitution.” -A.W. Tozer, The Pursuit of God

I have learned to love being in planes.

This morning, I took my last Ryanair flight (hopefully forever) from Rome back to Barcelona. Hundreds of feet above the air, I felt peace.

As we went higher and higher and I looked at everything below me, I wondered if this is how God sees us. From that height, everything is miniature, miniscule. The houses and cars we so long for looked like Monopoly toys. The highways nothing more than thin lines. Life was still moving, of course. People were still gossiping, fighting, coveting, wanting, craving, worrying, stressing, running. From eye level, it’s easy to miss the bigger picture; that there even is a bigger picture for every last one of us. We get so caught up in our fleeting lives, our fleeting things, our wrongful desires.

I don’t want to pursue things. I don’t want to pursue a life that is comfortable by worldly standards, to fill up my life with pointless things, expensive gadgets and failing objects. I want to pursue my God, relentlessly, shamelessly, urgently. I want to pursue a life that is holy and pleasing to the One who made me, breathed me and gave me Life in the first place - a life that is dedicated to loving others when it is the most difficult, to be patient, kind, gentle and joyful in all circumstances. I want to fill up my life with the Spirit.

Help me to change the desires of my heart, that what I want would align with what You want for me.